Cigarette Butt
by vitruvian-woman
Summary: Alonzo and Mungojerrie are best friends, but total opposites. What will happen when they get total opposite girlfriends?


**I've been working on this for. ever. Please review or something. The beginning sucks but it gets a lot more interesting, trust me. ASLO, this had the same trio from 'Miss Red' but it is NOT a sequel!**

**See if you can find the Hetalia reference. ;)**

* * *

><p>Alonzo tried. A lot, actually. Alonzo tried many, many times to date a girl. All through middle school, he dresses right, he tries not to act like a douche, he tries to get good grades.<p>

And every time he would ask a queen to coffee or a school dance, the answer was always the same. "I thought you were gay?"

So Alonzo entered high school discouraged. Apparently, queens thought he was gay, and his mom wanted him to make more friends.

Speaking of, Alonzo had very few friends. There was the video-game-obsessed group he sort of knew and hung around, recently dubbed the 'cube cubs' or 'cubbies'. That group included, but was not limited to, Admetus, George, Plato, and Coricopat.

One of his better friends, Cassandra, talked to him for the first time in his junior year. He had at first been elated, thinking she liked him or something, only to have his hopes crushed when she asked him for help coming out of the closet. He had respectfully told her he wasn't gay after a week, but requested that they remain friends. The school population took her sexuality relatively well.

And that took him to his numero uno amigo, Mungojerrie. Mungo was a stereotypical 'bad boy' type, pulling pranks, getting into fights, doing the occasional drugs, and generally disobeying whatever his parents told him to do. Thievery was his specialty. He was also a ladies man. He had dated every non-lesbian queen in their grade, and slept with half of them. He was basically everything Alonzo was not.

(See: Ladies man to metrosexual. Bad boy to nice guy. Outgoing to shy. Man-whore to virgin.)

X

(Enter Alonzo. Nice guy, school laughingstock but pretty good at hockey.)

Alonzo's alarm went off at six-thirty, playing the day's weather and a special segment on his favorite radio station, before repeating the weather at six-forty-five. Today, Monday, Alonzo ignored his alarm, choosing instead to unplug his clock. He slept until his little sister woke him up, fully clothed and telling him that he "Should get up before we leave you to die."

Alonzo responded by getting up, out of bed (his best impression of a zombie yet), taking the shortest shower humanely possible, and shoveling food into his mouth whist racing out the door.

This might seem like a pretty stereotypical 'jock' morning, but Alonzo is anything but. It's just that, "Just because I get good grades doesn't mean I like school.", according to yours truly.

When he gets to school, it's almost time for the front doors to pen and let the students in from the cold, and Alonzo decided to get school breakfast with his friend(s?). The question mark because he basically has two friends. And he doesn't know if both will be there.

Unsurprisingly, only one is getting breakfast today, the other usually choosing to skip breakfast and lunch altogether.

(Enter Mungojerrie. Bad boy, school fuck-buddy and proud of it.)

"Hey, bro," Mungojerrie fist-pumps Alonzo when the less orange of the two sits down. "I've got huge news!"

Alonzo sighed, as this was sort of a daily thing.

"You came out of the closet?" Alonzo guesses. Mungojerrie wasn't exactly bi-sexual, more like everything-sexual. He'd screw anything that was willing, and some things that weren't.

"No." Mungo squished an entire pancake in his mouth.

"You… I dunno. Got a modeling joint?"

"No, but close."

"You… sponsored a modeling joint?" Alonzo blindly guessed.

"Colder…"

"You burned a modeling joint!"

"No, man." Mungojerrie set down his fork. "You know how I live close to the university?"

"Yeah, so what?" Alonzo did not see the significance.

"Well, over the weekend I was walking to the store to swipe some smokes and I decided to take a shortcut through this badass alley by my house." He pauses to polish off the sausages on his tray.

"Okay, then what?"

Chewing, Mungojerrie continues. "And I saw this chick, right?"

Alonzo takes a chug of milk. "Right…"

"And she was hot." Mungo smiled a wolf-smile at Alonzo, all teeth.

"Is that all?"

"No. So, I thought she was a hooker. Just standing in an alley, taking a smoke in nothing but booty shorts and a bikini top, behind the art strip of the university."

"But was she?"

"Well, I walked up to her, and I was all, 'How much will two hours be?', and she said, 'Whatever you got in your wallet.' But I didn't have anything in my wallet, so she was free! And so I forgot about stealing cigarettes from the store, and I screwed her." Mungo stops for a second to drench his bacon with maple syrup. "And when she left, she wrote down her number on my hand."

"Any idea who she is?" Alonzo asked.

"She goes to the university, and she's from Georgia."

"Anything else exciting?"

"Yeah." Mungo looks very excited. "I called her the next day, and I screwed her two more times. We're dating now."

"And how does this relate to modeling?"

"Well, she's a model…"

"No way?"

"Yes way." Mungojerrie paused to wink at a group of queens passing their table. All of them giggled.

Alonzo sighed. "Mungo, you're dating someone now. You're not supposed to do that."

"Do what?" Mungojerrie stopped eating looked at him, mouth open and showing a nice array of chewed food.

"Flirt with other queens!"

Mungojerrie shrugged. "Just more opportunities to fuck 'em." He set down his fork, thinking of something to add. "If you know what I mean. Which you don't."

Alonzo splashed Mungojerrie with his almost empty milk carton. "Oh, shut up, you big dork."

Mungojerrie yelled, "Hey! Now I'm all wet!" very loudly, and Alonzo laughed.

"That's what she said."

X

_hey bro, i was thinking we could go see my gf after school. she's prolly back in her alley or somthin. whaddya say? _

The note landed on Alonzo's desk just as he was beginning to slow down on his notes and drift off into a deep and much-needed slumber during third period. He unfolded it, read it quickly and picked up his pencil to write a reply.

_sure, sounds fun. i have study hall for sixth period today so i'll meet you in your detention room, okay?_

He turned around to toss it back to Mungojerrie, who caught it. The person sitting behind him, a popular ginger and white tom on the baseball team snickered and coughed out, "Passing notes to your boyfriend?"

Alonzo gave him a glare and an "I don't swing that way, and besides I heard he screwed you," before turning around and starting his vocabulary sheet. Soon enough, Mungo's note found it's way to his desk again, this time bearing something a little shorter.

_how'd ya know i was in detention?_

Alonzo sighed, chuckled a bit, and wrote back.

_you always are. and besides, i heard you felt up ms. bone again._

The reply:

_good reasoning. her last name is so fitting._

_X_

After Alonzo had collected Mungojerrie from detention, they walked a couple blocks before Mungo stopped him with a hand. "I think this is it. I went in from my backyard last time…" He took a whiff and nodded. "Yep, this is it."

"You can tell by the smell?" Alonzo asked, dumbfounded.

"Well yeah." Mungo entered the dingy alley, numerous turns branching off into narrow and wet side-alleys. "It smells like smoke, drugs, sex and water damage."

Mungojerrie strode confidently into the alley while Alonzo picked his way in after, avoiding most of the puddles of grimy water. They passed a dirty couch, and Mungo pointed to it. "Doesn't that just look like a lump of bugs and STD's?"

Alonzo had to laugh at that, but he stopped when Mungojerrie held up his hand to them to stop walking. Standing before them in the alley, blowing smoke into the air was the most gorgeous queen either of them had ever seen. She was leaning up against the back of the pottery studio, dressed in a pair of bright yellow booty shorts and a loose gray crop top. Both hands were coated with dried brown clay, one holding her cigarette and the other loosely gripping an apron, splattered with more clay, by her side. There was a clay handprint on her butt.

Mungojerrie whistled for her, and when she turned around, she raised and eyebrow and smiled naughtily. "Well, I don't think you high school boys should be walking around a place as shady as this." She dropped her cigarette and stuffed it out with her bare foot. "Who's your friend?"

Mungojerrie sounded like an excited schoolboy. "This is Alonzo! He's the one I told you about."

She laughed, smiling wider and asked, "The virgin?"

Alonzo punched Mungojerrie. "Wow, thanks for nothing, _pal_."

Mungojerrie ignored his, albeit rubbing his shoulder and said, "This is Bombalurina."

Bombalurina smiled, looking directly at Alonzo. "You're a cutie, aren't you?" just as Mungojerrie said, "How do you punch so hard?"

Alonzo pretended not to have heard Bombalurina, and told Mungo simply, "I play hockey."

Bombalurina strode up to them. "So that must be why you're so muscular." She squeezed one of his biceps, giggling and leaving a clay print on his shirtsleeve.

"Uh, yeah."

"Bomba, please, lay off my man." Mungojerrie joked, easing her hand into his own.

Alonzo gave him a weird look. "You'd like that, wouldn't you."

Mungojerrie laughed and said, "Can't say I haven't thought about it!"

"Mungo, please. Lay off with the gayness. I'm not interested." Alonzo said, observing the alley, only to turn around and see Mungojerrie and Bombalurina deeply involved in a tongue-wrestling match.

He chuckled, and Mungojerrie broke away to glare at him, while Bombalurina started kissing (read: sucking on) his neck. "Why are you laughing?"

"It's just," Alonzo chortled again and pointed at Bombalurina, "She has to bend down so far…"

"Oh, shut it, fag!"

Bombalurina stood up to her full height, a good two inches taller than Mungojerrie, who was a rather tall tom himself. She smiled and purred, "Well, I am a model."

"And who are you calling a fag, you everything-sexual?" Alonzo accused, putting his hands into his pockets and kicking a rock around. He didn't much like being a third wheel.

"You're just jealous that I get more action than you."

"Only because you can reach into somebody's pants and be satisfied with whatever you find."

"That my friend, I cannot argue wi-mpphh." Mungojerrie said, pointing half-heartedly at Alonzo, before Bombalurina started kissing him again, this time running her hands through his hair. He responded by pulling her closer via shirt, almost ripping it clear off her.

She broke away, putting it back into place, saying, "Whoa, there. Keep the girls in my shirt in front of the virgin."

She kissed his again, only to have him smile and pull back. "The girls?"

Bombalurina shrugged. "It was either that or 'the twins'."

Alonzo cleared his throat, both of them realizing he was still there. "There's a couch back there if you need it."

"Thanks, 'Lonz!" Mungojerrie said, taking Bombalurina's hand and leading her to it, while practically ripping his pants off to show Superman boxers.

Alonzo sighed, muttering, "That was sarcasm…" Before picking up Bombalurina's discarded apron and opening the door to the pottery studio.

X

In the studio, there were only a few students, and more than enough spinning wheels to spare. The instructor kindly showed him how to do everything he would need to in order to make a decent vase, and left him to work on it. With the instructor's whimsical voice gone, and the soft background music barely loud enough to hear, Alonzo could hear very well what was going on in the gross, bug-ridden STD's-couch.

One of the university students , sitting across from Alonzo coughed loudly when Bombalurina screamed, laughed and screamed half-heartedly again from the alley. She smiled nervously at Alonzo and said quietly, "I bet I can guess what she got held up on?"

"Yeah." Alonzo laughed. "I'm Alonzo. Bombalurina is having sex with my friend."

The queen laughed, saying, "She was talking about him all day today. 'Mungo-this' and 'Mungo-that', I swear, he must be a god or something," She swore quietly, her vase getting a dimple in the rim. "Anyway, I'm Tantomile."

"Nice to meet you," Alonzo said politely. He noticed whenever she smiled, even when she laughed, none of it traveled up to her eyes. Always blank, no emotion.

"Likewise." Tantomile looked back down at her vase, which was recovering tremendously.

She looked back up when Alonzo nervously asked, "Can I call you Tanto?"

She smiled simply, again no emotion in her eyes, and said politely, "Please refrain from doing so, that name is reserved for a _special someone_."

"Oh." Alonzo looked down again, pretending to be very interested in his vase again. _There she goes rejecting me._

"Hey, how old are you?" She asked.

"Sixteen." Alonzo said, not looking up.

"I'm twenty. We should meet up sometime." Tantomile said. Funny, Alonzo thought she'd be around his age. But he had never seen her at school, so that really wasn't a good guess.

He looked up at that. "Um… sure." Alonzo mentally went through his schedule. "Is Friday night okay?"

Shit, that was really a time meant for dates! With actual couples! Which eventually led to sex! And she had already rejected him!

He was about to take it back before Tantomile nodded. "That's great! I'll pick you up here at six?"

"Um… sure." He was so surprised that he didn't stop to think about how he lived several blocks away.

Mungojerrie and Bombalurina took that time to pop their heads in (mind you – _only _their heads), cheeks red and eyes bright, to ask if anyone wanted a threesome.

X

On Friday, Alonzo just went with Mungojerrie to his house to wait for six, when Alonzo would walk down to the studio.

"Man, I can't believe you got a girlfriend." Mungojerrie kept saying.

And Alonzo would keep responding, "She's not my girlfriend, I'm just going to see her again. And it's not a date."

They hung out in Mungo's tree house, (I'm not too old for it! I won't tear it down!) which he only kept for friends and a private place to fuck. On the up side, he had bought it a mini-fridge without his parents knowing.

So Alonzo, checking his watch every few minutes, sat in a fuck house – sorry, I meant _tree_ house – sucking on a blue otter pop, telling Mungojerrie about Tantomile's eyes.

"Dude, they're like… magical." Alonzo said through a mouthful of colored and flavored ice.

Mungojerrie laughed. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were stoned!"

"But no matter what she does, they just stay the same. Like, blank." Alonzo swallowed. "This sounds cheesy, but I want to find out what it will take for me to make her _actually_ smile. With her eyes, too."

Mungojerrie deadpanned. "Dude… tell me what you are on."

Alonzo laughed, then said seriously, "Otter pops."

X

Six o'clock didn't come fast enough. Alonzo stood nervously (and… dare I say it: _awkwardly_) outside the pottery studio, waiting for Tantomile to pull up in a Ford Focus or a Prius or something similar. What he did not expect was a motorcycle.

She had to take her helmet off for him to recognize her. She smiled, no eyes again, and tossed him his own helmet, which he promptly dropped.

Now holding it dumbly, she waited for him to put it on. "Well? Aren't you going to put in on?"

The only thing Alonzo could say was, "You don't seem like the type."

"To have a motorcycle? Come on, everyone is the motorcycle type. Kind of like Bombalurina is everyone's type." Tantomile patted the seat behind her.

Alonzo shrugged, pulled on the helmet and sat behind her. "Now, hold on tight," She instructed. Uneasily, he put his arms around her waist and pulled his stomach toward her back. "That's it."

And with a roar, the motorcycle started and they surged down the road towards Tantomile's favorite restaurant.

X

"Let's split the bill, hm?" Alonzo asked. Tantomile had just finished a plate of fettuccine alfredo, while Alonzo had a good old classic of cheese ravioli.

Tantomile smiled in her weird way again and nodded. The bill hadn't come quite yet, so they just looked at each other for a moment, before she took out a tin of mints, offering him one as well as popping one in her own mouth.

"Look, Lonzie," Tantomile started, before Alonzo interrupted.

"Don't call me that, please."

"Fine, Alonzo." She looked a little put off but recovered easily. "I'm going to tell you the truth."

Shit, she was going to reject him after the best date of his life!

"I don't really own a motorcycle."

Alonzo was, again, surprised. "What?"

"I rented it. To impress you." Tantomile looked ashamed, and embarrassed.

After a moment of recovering from the shock of what he heard, Alonzo said, "Well, I was impressed, and a bit scared, but I liked you already, Tantomile. You didn't have to do that."

She suddenly looked very happy, though not enough to smile with her eyes. "Really? Oh, you're too sweet."

"Really," Alonzo was just going off what he had seen on romantic movies, now. "You're beautiful."

At that moment, their bill came. Alonzo told Tantomile not to worry about it and put two twenties on the tray.

X

"Thanks, Alonzo." She said, outside the restaurant. There were many chains of white Christmas lights around the doorway and an arch, which they stopped underneath. With a jolt, Alonzo realized he was taller than Tantomile, despite her being four years older than he is.

"For what?"

"For saying I was beautiful."

"But you- mmph!" Alonzo was silenced when Tantomile stood on her tiptoes and kissed him, square on the mouth. He closed his eyes, putting his hand on the small of her back and smiled against her lips.

She pulled away, smiling all the way up to her eyes, and stood back.

"I… don't understand." Alonzo said dumbly. "You told me not to call you Tanto?"

"Yeah, it's for… oh. I see. No one can call me that except my twin brother, Alonzo. I don't have a boyfriend or anything." Tantomile smirked when he looked relieved. "Now, let's get back on the motorcycle."

X

Alonzo sighed, packing his backpack with binders and a math notebook. Slinging it over is shoulder, he tripped nicely on the queen who had the locker below him. Apologizing quietly, he left school, having come straight from his detention. Someone had called him gay (again) and, fed up with it, Alonzo had 'accidentally' elbowed him in the back during lunch. He had missed a nice relaxing period of study hall and was a little miffed.

Exiting the building from the southern door to where everyone waited for their busses, Alonzo began to walk home when a loud roar ripped through the air, turning everyone's attention towards where Tantomile had pulled up next to Alonzo. She tossed him his helmet and he actually caught it this time, pulling it on eagerly and sliding behind her. There was a wolf-whistle, and some people clapping, but Alonzo barely heard it before they were thundering out of the parking lot.

"I rented it for an entire month!" Tantomile yelled over the wind.

"Really? Because I could get used to this!" Alonzo laughed.

Instead of turning down the street leading to Alonzo's house, Tantomile took a different route and ended at near the gates of a very expensive neighborhood, which they went into (with Tantomile's verification) and parked in front of a blue two-story house with a little Mini Cooper in front.

"Sorry," Tantomile said breathlessly. "I don't know where you live, so I brought you to my house." She took off her helmet and shook out her hair.

Alonzo took off his own helmet and asked, "You live here?"

"Yeah, come on." Tantomile lead him in the white door. Alonzo looked around. All the furniture was hardwood, as well as the floors, and there was a nice selection of color for the walls.

"I live here with my brother." Tantomile said, bringing Alonzo out of his thoughts. A surly-looking tom with the same coloring as Tantomile stood at the foot of the stairs. "Cori, this is Alonzo," Tantomile said cautiously. "And Alonzo, this is my brother Coricopat."

"Nice to meet you." Coricopat said stiffly, before turning to Tantomile "Is this the one you told me about?"

Tantomile beamed. "Yes!" She squeaked out, before taking Alonzo to the kitchen.

There was a bowl of fruit on the counter. Tantomile took a banana from it, while Alonzo chose an apple.

Tantomile didn't peel her banana, rather set it on the marble counter and looked at Alonzo seriously. "So now you know I have money."

"…yes." Alonzo said carefully.

"So, what I need to know is if you still like me for me, instead of for my money?"

"Why wouldn't I? You are a very beautiful and smart person." Alonzo said, taking a bite of his apple.

"Oh, you're perfect!" Tantomile said, smiling and starting on her banana.

X

"Man, I can't believe you're dating her now." Mungojerrie said casually.

"Me neither," Alonzo agreed. "She's like amazing. Rich, pretty, smart. She's perfect."

"Yeah, I would give anything if Bomba was rich." Mungo sighed. "But she's a model, so she's bound to get rich anyway."

"You're so shallow, Mungo." Alonzo chided.

"I know."

X

Alonzo is sitting on the disgusting couch, waiting for Bombalurina to meet him. She had somehow found him on Facebook and asked him to meet her in the alley. Alonzo had gotten tired of standing, so, grudgingly, knowing about the things that had gone on in that couch, sat down.

"Hey, 'Lonz." She smiles from the entrance of the alley, the light streaming in from behind her and making her look like an angel.

Alonzo had expected her to be with Mungo, a heap of giggles and 'oh you're so handsome Mungo I love you so much', but instead she had come alone. She was dressed in a short white sundress with a yellow belt, and just like the first time they had met, she was barefoot.

Bombalurina sat down on the couch, about a foot away from Alonzo. He states bluntly, "I thought you'd be with Mungojerrie or something."

"No, I thought it would be…" She pauses, "More fun if I came without him." Bombalurina scoots a bit closer to his side.

"Oh!" Alonzo says loudly, "I see!" He adds nervously, jumping up from the couch and scratching the back of his neck, backing away to lean against the wall.

Bombalurina gets up again, walking towards Alonzo, who tries to get away from the wall. He ends up with his back to the alley entrance. "'Lonz," She says, using his dreaded nickname again. "I just want to say," She looks painfully innocent, but he knows she's not, "When we met, it was like I just couldn't stop looking at you."

She walks closer to him. His voice shaky, he quietly says, "If you're going to cheat on Mungo, I don't think you should."

"Oh, but you're just so _handsome_!" She gushed. Bombalurina has gotten right up in front of him now. "It must be all that hockey. Your arms are so muscular. Your legs probably are too."

Her fingers snake to his belt. "In fact, I think I should just _check._"

"N-no, I'd rather you didn't…" Alonzo stammered. "In fact," Gathering all of his courage, "I might just call Mungo right now…" He takes his cell phone out of his back pocket.

Bombalurina's hands don't stop, rather start to unbuckle his belt, but her eyes narrow. "You wouldn't."

"I would!" Alonzo says, eye wide and thumb hovering threateningly over the speed dial for Mungojerrie. "I'm not going to let you do this! If Mungo found out, he'd… he…"

"What would he do?" Bombalurina purrs.

"I actually don't think he'd care, but still!" Alonzo says, desperate now.

"Well if he wouldn't care, what's stopping you?" She says, face inches away from Alonzo's. "Besides, it's not like you're not interested."

Alonzo half-heartedly laughed. "Heh… you're right, I'm very interested… but-"

Bombalurina kisses him, hands sneaking down his pants.

X

"No way, Alonzo? And here the whole school thinks you're gay, but you're getting two queens at the same time?" Cassandra says from her bed. Alonzo is sitting on the carpet, looking distractedly through a copy of Sports Illustrated.

"Yeah." He says at last.

"'Lonz, you can't just say 'yeah'! Mungojerrie's girlfriend just cheated on him! With _you_! Are you going to tell him?"

"Well, yeah." Alonzo replies. "Eventually. When they break up."

"They're breaking up?" Cassandra says incredulously. "When?"

"Tonight." He says, rolling over to his back and looking at Cass. "She told me."

"Oh, God, Alonzo. You have no idea how lucky you are." She drops the Seventeen she was holding. "That Tanto never has to find out."

Alonzo groans. "Don't remind me about Tantomile. Today she told me, 'you're perfect'…"

Cassandra laughs. "Not so much anymore, are you?"

X

Tantomile opens the fridge in her house, searching for the leftovers of last night's dinner. "Cori, I think he's the one."

Coricopat, leaving on the counter and eating a plate of Thai food, sighs. "You've been telling me that for the past week. Trust me, it never works out when you ask them."

"And how would you know?" Tantomile closes the fridge with a bowl of rice and a bottle of hot sauce.

"Remember the two years I went to Europe?" Tantomile nods. "I asked seventeen girls, of seventeen nationalities, and none of them agreed."

Tantomile cringes at Coricopat's words. "Well, I know he'll say yes. And if he doesn't, I'll always find someone else." She pours hot sauce on the rice thoughtfully. "What were the nationalities?"

Coricopat sighed. "British, Austrian, Spanish, Russian, Italian, Norwegian, Danish, Turkish, Chinese, Polish, Irish, Swiss, Belarusian, Swedish, Dutch, Lithuanian, and French. And when I got back, I asked four Americans and one Canadian."

"Ouch. None of them agreed?" Tantomile asked through a mouthful of rice.

"The closest thing I got was when Natalia, the Belarusian, told me she would have if I was Russian. Or when Anita, the Spanish one, told me she would have if I liked tomatoes more."

X

Tantomile was sitting on one side of a booth when Alonzo got to the diner. He sat across from her and smiled. She smiled back, slid him a menu, and looked at hers thoughtfully.

They didn't talk until the waiter came. "I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich." Tantomile ordered. "And a glass of iced tea."

After he wrote it down, the waiter turned to Alonzo, who ordered water and a bowl of clam chowder.

When he left, Tantomile turned to Alonzo, making her hands into a tent. Alonzo automatically recoiled.

Shitshitshitshitshitshitshit, she knows about Bomba!

"I brought you here to talk business." She said, her demeanor changing into something a lot more serious. Before Alonzo could say anything, she continued. "My parents are very strict people. They sent Cori and me here to go to the university. They said, 'no dilly-dallying, and no slacking off.' Naturally, Coricopat and I disobeyed. Our parents threatened to stop giving up money if we continued. Finally, we made a deal.

"Coricopat and I would marry suitable people before we turned twenty-one, or we would have to make our own money." She paused. "So now you see the problem."

Tantomile reached into her bag, and Alonzo suddenly saw the diamond ring on her left hand. She took out another, plain ring and slid it over the table to him. He looked at it stupidly.

Tantomile cleared her throat. "Alonzo, will you marry me?"

Alonzo sputtered, "Tantomile, we've known each other for barely two weeks! I'm still in high school!"

"That's why we just have to be engaged until you graduate." She said matter-of-factly.

"No. No, Tantomile, I can't."

"I'll give you half of my income from my parents. I can pay for your college."

"That is tempting, and you are a very wonderful person, but I don't know, Tanto."

"_Tantomile_."

"See?" Alonzo said. "I'm sorry, no, I can't. I… I have to go. We're… we're done."

And with that, he got up and left the café. And he didn't look back.

X

"Cass! I did it! I broke up with Tantomile without her knowing about Bomba!" Alonzo danced around his room, holding the phone to his ear with his shoulder.

"_That's great, but I thought you loved her? Just because the Bombs forced you to have sex with her doesn't mean you have to break up with Tantomile_."

"Tanto asked me to marry her."

"_What? 'Lonz, that's crazy? Why would she do that?_"

"So she can get more money from her parents…"

"_What a shallow bitch, all she must care about is money!_"

"I never thought of that…"

"_That's why you have me here for you, Alonzo._"

"And I must thank you sincerely."

X

Alonzo received a text the next week on Saturday morning, reading _dud meet mi in tyhe trehousew _from Mungojerrie. Alonzo was already up, and he had already eaten breakfast, so he grabbed his coat and walked to Mungojerrie's house, expecting him to be drowning himself in sorrow about Bombalurina and his breakup.

Upon entering the tree house, he smelled a mixture of alcohol and perfume. "Aw, Mungo, was it one of those times again? Should I be afraid to sit down here?" He looked around at the scattered pillows and air mattress.

"Dude…" Mungojerrie started, smiling vaguely. "You'll _never_ guess what just happened."

"You got laid." Alonzo deadpanned.

"Dude, yeah! How did you know?" Mungojerrie smiled wider and grabbed an otter pop.

"I always know-" Alonzo started, before Mungojerrie interrupted him.

"But something else happened, man. The chick I screwed," Alonzo was surprised he was using nice language in his state, "She said that if I married her, she'd give me lots of money."

"Oh, God, Mungo!" Alonzo waved his hands around in the air, "You didn't marry her, did you?"

"Of course I did." Mungojerrie showed Alonzo the plain ring that had been slid across a table to Alonzo only a week ago, now residing on Mungojerrie's ring finger on his left hand. "And the weird thing is, I think she was _sober_."

"Mungojerrie, do you know who you just married?"

Mungojerrie laughed, taking another otter pop. "I just married my wife."

"You just married my ex-girlfriend!"

Mungojerrie's face fell fast. "Oh." But he snapped back soon enough, "So? She offered me money, so I married her."

"Oh, yeah?" Alonzo wasn't exactly mad, after all, Tantomile only wanted marriage for money, but he did want Mungojerrie to realize what he had done. So Alonzo did something incredibly stupid.

"You just married my ex, and I just fucked your ex!"

It had the opposite reaction than intended, which probably saved Alonzo's ass. "Yeah, bro?" Mungojerrie smiled. "Good for you. Isn't she amazing?" He paused. "We totally just traded girlfriends. That's badass."

Suddenly, Alonzo's phone buzzed, with a text from Bombalurina. He didn't even know how she had gotten his number.

_i'm free, wanna fuck?_

With a glare sent in Mungojerrie's way, Alonzo replied, _anytime ;)_

X

After school on Monday, Alonzo even more miffed now that he had gotten another detention for tripping the janitor, walked the usual way out the bus doors, only to be caught by surprise when Bombalurina was waiting for him, sitting on the curb. Passing students were sending glances her way, varying between confused and turned on.

When he approached, she stood up and turned around, facing him. She was wearing possibly the skimpiest outfit ever that wasn't showcased in a strip club, with a pair of zebra striped booty shorts and a strapless red bikini top. Without saying anything, she draped her arms over his shoulders and shoved her tongue into his mouth.

Again, there were a few whistles and clapping, but everyone went dead silent when three more queens, similarly dressed to Bombalurina, joined them and guided Alonzo back to the usual route to his house, smiling and flirting and groping.

X

Arriving at his house, Alonzo checked to make sure no one was home before asking Bombalurina and her friends (Griddlebone, Exotica and Rumpleteazer), "Were you trying to make it seem like we were about to have a five-some or something?"

As an answer, Bombalurina went for his mouth, Griddlebone to his neck, and Exotica and Rumpleteazer to his pants.

* * *

><p><strong>(He's probably still gay)<strong>


End file.
